MY WAKE UP CALL MOTIVATIONAL ALARM CLOCK MESSAGES
Now, instead of a simple tone to pull you out of your dreams and into the shower for work, you can postpone all that with a five minute message from an array of speakers delivering feel-good thoughts on emotional freedom, good grief, abundance and other words women never used until Oprah did.

Excerpts include: “Each of us has our own special power,” “When you are clear, what you want will show up in your life, but only to the extent that you’re clear,” and “Even the devil incarnate will be no match for your resilience.”

You can buy them on CDs or download them directly to your smartphones for $20 a month. Or you can just get your butt out of bed without New Age sermons and their helium-voiced hostess. I do!

iGRILL COOKING THERMOMETER
“Honey, why aren’t your outside watching the burgers?” “No, dear, I’m waiting for the iGrill wireless cooking thermometer to ping my iPad when the meat has reached its peak temperature.”

“How much did you pay for that in order to avoid standing for five minutes?” “Just $99.99!” “Get out there, you lazy slob. Oh, and I want a divorce.”

“Wha-huh? Hey, at least the app was free!”

HOUSE DIVIDED COPIERS AND PRINTERS
Your wait is over, offices with no real problems to worry about! In June, Standley Systems introduced “an industry first in Oklahoma ... an exclusive line of OU, OSU and ‘House Divided’ copiers and printers.”

“We decided it was high time to take printers and copiers out of the realm of ‘boring’ and make them exciting again,” says Tim Elliott, CEO of Standley Systems.

“By ‘exciting,’ did he mean ‘garish and pointless’?” says everyone else.

HUGGA-BEBE
Landing in our email with the vaguely threatening and unpunctuated line:

“HAVE YOU TAKEN YOUR BABY TO THE PARK”

Hugga-Bébé is an atrociously spelled cushion for putting around babies in park swings so they don’t feel “wobbly and out of control. How scary is that!” We remember when these things weren’t $27.95 — you know, when we just wadded up our jackets.

SENSIS CONDOMS WITH QUIKSTRIPS

Finally, the incredibly complex process of putting on a condom is made easy, with Sensis’ pull-down QuikStrips.

Actually, maybe this item is a good thing, because if you can’t figure out how to put one on, you shouldn’t be reproducing ...

RITMO PREGNANCY SOUND SYSTEM
... but if you do reproduce, perhaps you’ll waste $179.99 to strap a stereo system to your partner’s trunk so you can get your fetus hooked on all that crap you call music.